It's been a year since I started my leave to be with my dad in his final days. I now find myself on leave again, but this time to deal with my own health issue...my bum knee. This is not what I bargained for at this age...but here we are and I have a knee that has decided to go tits up, beyond certain repair. But I've had surgery in the hopes that I will be able to create a little bit of tissue to coat the surface of my bone and add a bit of cushion so the knee will last at least another 7-8 years before I need a partial replacement.
This is all terrible news to me. I'm quite devastated. It seems like I went from being very able bodied to very broken in the span of a week. And by very broken, I mean VERY! I can't do ANYTHING I used to. No kneeling, croutching, bending, no sports at all, no standing for long periods, and basically no walking properly which is wreaking havoc with the rest of my body and making me an entirely undesirable person to be around.
Yup, I'm a straight up bitch. Grumpy and tired all the time! But that's what chronic pain does to humans... It wears us down, makes us irritable and unhappy. This is what dad felt for the last 10 years and it scares me!! I am finding that I'm thinking about him a great deal while I'm off recovering from surgery. I grunt and groan as he did getting off the couch and he was 35 years older than me! WTF. I rub my knee a lot and I'm sitting around in comfortable loose pants.... Just like him. So I am then forced to ask myself, how will my healing and dealing be different than dad's. I'm still working on that one.
I read a funny post from a friend today.... The human body can create a fully functioning little human complete with a respiratory system, circulatory system, and nervous system and all of that but it takes us 7 years to heal from a sprained ankle and it will never be the same again!! Like seriously? I created 2 tiny little humans but my body can't heal a tiny spot on my knee. Doesn't seem right.
And just to add insult to injury, I've been forced to start taking blood thinners because of a post surgery clot in my leg. The prescribing nurse at the hospital warned me not to hit my head..... ☑, not to fall or bang into anything.... ☑, not to cut myself (shaving is now a high risk sport).... ☑ BUT the kind woman neglected to fill me in as to how blood thinners would negatively impact my body WHEN I HAVE MY PERIOD! Holy hell is all I have to say!! I hope it stops soon before I become anemic!
So, time certainly passes, at a very quick pace. But a day doesn't go by that I don't think about my dad. Most of the time it makes me sad, but more frequently, I laugh about what dad would have said or done in certain situations. I loved his Gino-isms. Just last night I was frustrated about something and it had me quite upset, so I had to hobble around the island in the kitchen a few times on my crutches. Dad would have asked why I was 'pasteing', of course he would have meant to say pacing but it never came out that way. I laughed very hard.
I am hoping that the lead up to Christmas this year will be less painful than it was last year... It was almost unbearable at times. Overwhelming sadness that I didn't know how to compartmentalize.... And then just like that after Christmas, it was gone. I miss him terribly... It'll be a tough few weeks ahead I'm sure.
But I'll reflect....and given time, this wound too will heal and be replaced with a thousand new memories...good or bad...it's how we humans role. Now if only we could figure out how to grow a new knee....
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