Finality

The evening before my father died (which was in fact after my intoxicating sunshine day), my sister and I decided to meet and hang out with Dad for a bit.  She could fill me in on the happenings of the week - which was a shitty week for sure.  It was rough for her and Allana and Mom, spending nights sleeping at the hospital, not sleeping, watching Dad slip further and further into a state of non-responsiveness.

But on this night, Jacqueline decided that we were going to have a living wake.  So she brought martini glasses and we had white chocolate martinis at Dad's bedside while watching the sun set over the lake and listening to his music on the radio.  It was a wonderous feeling.  Dad had been unresponsive to me all day but as he lay in his bed on his left side facing the window, there was a strange sense of calm.  Dad looked very relaxed and peaceful.  I was prepared to stay the night, but after Jacqueline and I talked, we decided that he was in VERY good hands with two of his favourite 'nurse angels'.  I talked to Dad at various times during the day, telling him about our trip to Myrtle Beach, thanking him for sticking around for me but, I also gave him permission to go.  I told him it was time to go and explore his next adventure, give them trouble where ever he went.  I expressed to him that the kids would be ok.  Zac would grow up and achieve things we never thought he would achieve and that Andrew would be the best that he could be and that he would be 'great' - as Dad always said he would.

Dad died peacefully at 3:15am.  The first day of spring.  I'd like to think that he was hanging on this past week to hear from me one more time as I said I would return on this day, but I rather think it was because we had decided to disengage the defibrillator portion of Dad's pacemaker as it was giving him great discomfort over the past few days.

We got the call at 3:20am. The rest of the day seems so clear but was really a blur until you realize it's 11:30pm and you've been up for almost 20 hours.  Things that happened in the morning feel like they happened yesterday.  The 'process' of dealing with a deceased family member seems SO SURREAL!  Like you're in the movies.  At times it feels quite callous, superficial, like it really isn't happening.  But it is....

There are many phone calls that day.  Incoming and outgoing.  My toughest phone call is to Andrew. Knowing what a special bond he had with his Opa, I know that this news will be particularly crushing for my kid.  And while I stay matter of fact on the phone with him, I have so much hurt in my heart and I know I can't cry at that moment, because I know it would be difficult for me to stop.  And I am sorry I can't be there to give him a big hug, hold him and tell him that Opa loved him very much.

Crying....I'm not much of a crier....never have been.  Maybe a little more lately and for sure more now since I've had children (hormones).  But damn!  There was a lot of crying today....which I found unexpected, at various times and for a wide variety of reasons.

I was grateful that I could be there for mom, to help her field phone calls and just keep it together in general.  Then there's the trip to the funeral home in the afternoon and a whole shit-tonne of decisions to be made.  One should not be making decisions on 3 hours of sleep after a loved one has died.  It just doesn't make sense.  And I find it strange the funeral business has to work so damn quickly.....what's the rush?  The person is dead....

There is also humour during the day.  I've said it before, that laughter is very important.  It's something our family does so that things don't get too somber or morose.  Yuck, who wants that?
Dad was quite liked by the staff at the Haliburton Hospital.  The nurses could generally get a smile out of dad each day and visa versa.  Dad was larger than life, even at his sickest.  When the funeral home finally picked Dad up from the hospital, Carol was right on the ball and captured the fact that Dad had a big personality by saying, "GINO HAS LEFT THE BUILDING'!  It was very fitting.

I had MANY people share their kind comforting words with me that day as they too have experienced the loss of a parent.  The one comment that stands out the most for me is from my friend Joyce who said that while we knew his death was not unexpected, the finality of his passing is what is so difficult to accept.

The sadness continues but healing and acceptance has now got to begin.