Death, morphine, sunshine and laughter

Oh what a strange 36 hours this has been.  (Written Thursday March 9th)

Mom and I received a very early phone call from the hospital that Dad had suffered a stroke and we were to come as soon as possible.  Not quite sure how I managed to get dressed...or even put my contacts in.  Shaky hands make those tasks quite difficult, especially the contacts.

Mom and I made it to Haliburton within the hour.  This is quite the feat considering Mom is diabetic and needs to eat and shoot up before we leave....and if you know my mother, eating is not her favourite thing to do, especially before 8am 9am.  The sun was very bright and warming as we drove.  I was a little pissed that the sun decided to shine today...I had wanted sun earlier in the week so I could take my chances at giving Dad another sunburn.  Did I mention the sun was very bright?  It was one of those mornings where it was almost difficult to look at the sparkle of the water because it was so bright.  But I was grateful for the sunshine.

So this was it.  This was the day I was going to lose my father.  Doc was very clinical about the fact that Dad is suffering a brain bleed and we had choices....ultimately our decision was to not go to any extreme measures and to keep Dad as comfortable as we could.  Keeping Dad comfortable included injections of morphine!  The morphine did it's job and Dad slept all day.  He had a pained look on his face for most of the day.  He wasn't moving, I couldn't understand what he was saying...at all....but a few people managed to get a smile out of him.

Many people came to give us support and give Dad hugs.  It was a long day....a very long and uncertain day, but with the long day came visible signs of improvement by Dad.  Shortly after dinner Dad's face no longer looked pained and he was resting comfortably.  Someone took Mom home (can't remember) - Mom needed to rest.  A long and tiring day causes her blood sugars to go all out of whack.  Allana (my niece) brought us dinner.  Feels weird setting up Dad's hospital table with a potluck type of spread....but then I realize, we still have to eat.  We are still in need of giving ourselves nourishment to face the days to come.

Dad continues to rest peacefully so at about 10:30 I send my sister home so she can get rest.  Dad is looking relaxed and sleeping very comfortably...so I didn't feel like we were in any danger of losing Dad this night.  However, I committed to staying so that he would have company through the night.  All of the nurses have been super helpful all day and our long time family friend/nurse Carol, made sure that we were looked after with a recline type chair, blankets and pillows.  So I cozied up beside my father's bed and watched him sleep; kept an eye on his breathing, listened to him puff relaxed breaths.  I didn't want to turn off the light....I wouldn't be able to see him then.  I did eventually find Dad's nightlight and kept that on for the night.  I felt like I do when I'm watching Zac sleep after he's been sick...a parent watching their ill child....except the rolls have now been reversed.  How often had Dad taken care of me while I had been sick?  How many sleepless nights had he experienced worrying about me?

So...we slept...he more than I but I still managed.

I knew Dad was feeling better early the next morning when, while wetting his mouth with one of those little mouth sponges, he almost sucked the sponge right off the stick!  This was repeated several times over the next couple of hours until I was given permission to give Dad sips of water through a straw!  What a remarkable turn-around!  His face was relaxed, he didn't look distant and foggy, he was clear and focused.  The best part of the morning was when Dad tried to say something to me...I had to have him repeat it 5 times because of his weak voice and his lack of teeth...but he said, "water is such a precious commodity?"  What the hell??  DAD!!!!  Precious commodity??  With no teeth?  That was a tough one to decipher.

Wow...what an incredible morning.  Dad actually has a bit of a glint in his eyes...somewhat of a mischievous look about him.  Nurse asks how he is, and he just shrugs and raises an eyebrow as if to say "Meh...been better".

"Dad, can I get you anything?"  "A nice cold beer...." he says quietly and longingly.  Seriously??

Doc comes in and asks him to raise his left arm, squeeze his left fist together...and he does it!  Doc is stunned...isn't as worried as he was yesterday and doesn't quite know what's going on in Dad's brain...but there IS something going on. 

At some point, Dad asks for his teeth back in, sometime before lunch.  He also purses his lips...like a kiss...3 or 4 times.  I ask if they are dry and if he would like some sort of chapstick on.  He says yes.  But the whole action is hilarious to me and very surreal, considering yesterday, we thought he was going to die.  

The physiotherapist comes in...WHAT??  He was on his deathbed yesterday and now it's time for a bit of exercise?  Ok, what the hell....

It continues to be a busy day of of people streaming in and out.  Dad is like a little kid.  In between visits, I tell Dad to close his eyes and rest....so he closes them...and then peeks through one to check if I'm looking at him....and then closes it and opens the other and keeps switching between eyes.  I am seriously wondering if the morphine is causing him to act like this.  But I don't think so...I think this is just his impish self showing through, and my heart is filled to the brim with love for this man.  I smiled many many times that day.

Dad actually had an appetite today.  He hasn't eaten in 3 days.  I heard his stomach growl.  So he had applesauce for breakfast, soup and mushed pasta for lunch.  And then....later in the afternoon... I tried to kill him with a potato chip.  Not just any potato chip...but my chip of choice:  Miss Vickies sea salt and malt vinegar chips!  He was looking at me enviously, as I munched a chip.  Like a kid.  "What do you need Dad?"  "One of those chips" he replied.  So, I gave him one.  And he made it through the first 3 (small) chips just fine....I shouldn't have offered him the fourth.  It was a that moment he started to choke....probably from the tartness of the vinegar.  OH NO!  HE'S MADE A MIRACULOUS TURN AROUND AND I'M GOING TO KILL HIM WITH A FUCKING POTATO CHIP!  Or at least cause pneumonia....wtf.  But, he made it through, after about 10min...no more potato chips for you!

Well, my week came to a close with Dad.  I told him several times that day, just so that he would remember, that I was leaving to take Andrew on our yearly trip to Myrtle Beach and that I wouldn't see him for a week.  He smiled each time and said have fun.  I said 3 times, "I love you Dad"....and he said, "I love you too...."  So I took my leave and drove home, my heart full of love, my eyes full of tears, my head full of memories.